Apr. 27th, 2007

stbethadettes: (Beth Plural lounging)
It's always struck Beth as funny that when so many little girls are about at that stage where they think boys are gross and have cooties they also seem to have this strong belief in or desire for one day getting married.

Yeah, sure, a lot of that excitement's about the big fancy dress and the flowers and the extravagant cake and the posse of bridesmaids and feeling so intensely special and beautiful and all that. But it takes a willing couple to get married, and while she's known females who get their kicks solely with other women, pretty much every little girl she knew growing up had a groom in her dream wedding.

She doesn't really care who Junior ends up loving one day, so long as they're good to her, but she's sure her daughter won't grow up thinking of boys quite the same way she did.

She'll be lucky to know any.

On Venus, her head spinning with the discovery that she was really pregnant, Beth had sat on the bed and helped herself to some bacon for breakfast and decided to let Spike know right then and there.

He deserved to know, despite how secretive she'd been for the trip to the store for a test and in the bathroom once she got the result.

She didn't expect the conversation to lead to him telling her they could go to a justice of the peace and get married. He's a romantic and he's stubborn and he's crazy about her. She knows all that. But she never expected him to make that suggestion.

She knows just how differently things would've gone between them had she shown up in the bar for the first time with a visible belly. But he loves her, and he loves Junior more than she could possibly have asked him to.

Even now, she wouldn't marry him, though. It's a line she can't bring herself to cross.

It's a line that says nothing about him and everything about how and where they came together and how and where they'll go if they go against their will.

She knows from experience that leaving is hard enough without any official ties, without the idea of husband and wife hanging over their heads.

Some people think it's hard just to maintain a healthy relationship. Beth thinks they should try traveling with their invisible significant other, three unwitting friends, a baby, and a two-year-old boy who's very nearly the last of his kind.

It's hard, and it's complex.

It's being so glad they didn't get separated for good and yet wishing he was somewhere safer for him. It's stealing the occasional kiss, made twice as good by all the anticipation leading up to it, but rarely getting to see the look on his face as Junior makes her best attempts at crawling. It's having him sleep between her and the wall at night because it's the safest place for him to get but never being able to sleep wrapped around him even though he's right there. It's not wanting him to venture too far off because she'll never know if something happens to him but sometimes wishing she could have a conversation with Hero that she was 100% positive was just a conversation with Hero.

There are no secrets she needs to keep from Spike. She just doesn't want him to be omniscient. It's not a comfortable feeling.

She'd like to not have to keep him a secret, but her other options are even more undesirable.

One starry night somewhere in Ohio, claiming not to feel all that great and honestly not sure that it's not the truth, she escapes out of doors to get some air, take a walk around, while Hero sweetly volunteers to keep an eye on her sleeping niece.

Spike barely opens his cloak once she's under the cover of some trees, and she watches him closely. "How much room do you have in that thing?"


She smiles slightly.

"Try me."

She's better with secrets than she is with temptation.


stbethadettes: (Default)

January 2009

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